Mother. Mid 60's / mother to Doloria

Doloria. Mid twenties - Early thirties 

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A Slash (/) marks a point of interruption in the dialogue: the next speaker starts speaking.

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Mother

, and that’s when I asked if I could come see you – because in my mind, you know, in my mind you were still waiting for me, waiting with that same breath of expectation you had when I placed your little baby head upon their table – so tiny and just so – well just so very fragile you know, like a flower unconvinced that Spring would ever come, and so – okay – the whole time – from the moment I left you on that operating table and that rude anaesthesiologist asked me to leave?, the whole time, okay? – the whole bloody time I had to wait outside I was thinking to myself, Okay – What if, What if; I mean I wasn’t worried about the surgery, no no no the surgery’s got to go well, there’s no doubt about it, because – no, absolutely the surgery’s going to go fine because the alternative is just impossible to think about – but what made me impatient was the thought – my god, when it’s over, What If they try to pick you up? What if none of them really know how to hold a baby? I understood they were all surgeons and nurses and these professionals there – but all they were taught was how to perform the surgery, not – nobody told them what the proper way to hold a baby was; only I, okay, only I knew how to properly hold on to you – I mean, how to properly hold you – only I could conceive of it – so I kept telling myself, over and over, my God, when the surgery’s done what if they tried to pick you up, and I wouldn’t even be there, what kind of mother wouldn’t even be there when strangers laid their hands on her baby – and that’s why I got a little bit impatient, because, even though I was asked to go out for being, quote, too unstable, they might have forgot how fragile you w – I just had to come back to remind them that you were very very fragile, and to just please be very very careful with you if they tried to hold you; and that is the only reason, the only reason, I swear;  

and – okay – because –  alright – because right before I took you in I sensed fear in you; 

in that same new way I was now a mother I could also sense that fear right there somewhere inside you; could almost feel your fear for you, if I only tried hard enough; and when you opened your eyes there it was – just like now, don’t think I can’t see the fear there, exactly the same as now – 

 

 

Doloria

I’m not af/raid, Mum.

 

Mother

exactly the same as now – I can still close my eyes and see it: fear – that scent of evil emotion creasing that brand new baby face; and I knew I couldn’t let it happen because you were just so helplessly small – any amount of fear would be overwhelming when the person feeling it was that small, like a cup so tiny it overflows with just a single drop of water; so whenever I thought about your little baby face all I could see was the fear tormenting it – so you can see why I just couldn’t wait any longer, so after a while it was practically my duty to come and feel the fear for you – that’s why I asked if I could come see you – I see you getting impatient – I see everything you know – so I asked, very nicely I asked if I could /come

 

Doloria

Mum.

 

Mother

come and see you, but instead of those big double doors giving way, a pair of hands gra – heavy – a pair of heavy hands grabbed me from the shoulders and pulled me /away 

 

Doloria

Mum.

 

Mother

– and pulled me away – shush – not now because with heavy heavy force I am being pulled away – oh yeah – and all of a sudden I just couldn’t breathe – as if I’d been tied to a black sinking anchor – and a rugged /voice

 

Doloria

Mum.

 

Mother

a rugged voice somewhere behind me said – so rude, by the way – said No ma’am, you have to wait here with all the other – not you rude, the security guard was rude – even though – you know me, I asked /so nicely

 

Doloria

No you didn’t ‘ask nicely’ at all Mum! You were banging on the doors screaming you demanded to be let in ‘right that instant’!

 

Pause.

 

Mother

well how about that now?, how about that now? you’ve grown up to be just as rude you know that? – just as rude – anyway, where was/ I

 

Doloria

Mum you know what, now’s really not the t/ime for

 

Mother

now’s exactly the right time – shush – don’t argue with me, just listen –where was I

 

Doloria

You demanded to be let in ‘right that instant.’

 

Mother

oh yeah – so the security guard turned me around and held my weak – don’t think I didn’t pick up on that bit of sarcasm just now, just because of /my condition 

 

Doloria

And he held your weak hand to guide you, and he placed his palm on the base of your neck very gently, and you were like – wait, I know this – like a little baby kitten carried by the neck to a safer spot to /survive the night

 

Mother

survive the night, yes – the condition is in my heart you know; not in my eyes, not in my ears – certainly not in what’s in between them – so your sarcasm doesn’t go unnoticed, I’ll have you know – like a hawk I see things, like /a hawk

 

Doloria

And you were helpless as he guided you – come on, let’s get this over with – but instead of throwing you out he actually sat down with you, and he held your hand tight, then even tighter to stop it from quivering, and both of you just sat there quietl/y and

 

Mother

in silence/ 

 

Doloria

and – yes, in silence – and you both just sat there, heads bowed, the end.

 

Mother

– no, not that quickly – and certainly not the end –  you just hurt my feelings just now you know – how would you know I wasn’t nice – I’m always nice – and so far as I remember you were inside that blasted door, unconscious, and you certainly couldn’t hear what I was screaming, so/whether

 

Doloria

So you were, in fact, screaming/

 

Mother

whether – shush – whether it was that I, what – demanded to be let in?, or something – it don’t even sound like me –

 

Doloria

Woah woah woah, first of all, it sounds exactly like you, okay? ‘I demand to be let in’ is practically your life’s motto, alright? You literally should have it emblazoned all over these door-frames. I don’t know, something like ‘Through no fault of their own these doors might accidentally close sometimes but I/

 

Mother

ooh/

 

Doloria

I, will nonetheless always demand to be let/

 

Mother

/oh is that right, madame Doloria, is that right

 

Doloria

right in.’ Yeah, it is exactly right, don’t I know it. Try growing up in this house, being a teenager in this – I heard that phrase more often than flipping ‘good morning’ round here.

 

Mother

well if you wanted to hear good morning more often maybe you should have made the nights a bit nicer then shouldn’t you –

 

Doloria

Oh, oh okay, I see. What did I do that was so horrible then?

 

Mother

oh i don’t know, how about locking yourself in the toilet during the night to smoke in secret, su/pposedly

 

Doloria

oh is that right, mada– /

 

Mother

that’s exactly right and don’t I know it

 

Silence.

 

Doloria

You used to bang on the door so loudly I’d almost swallow the cigarette whole, /you know.

 

Mother

as if you could ever keep secrets from me – secrets you can keep from yourself if you want, not from me – 

 

Pause.

 

Doloria

But that was not the scariest bit –  what I was most afraid of was the silence right before, right before you knocked. I could hear your steps from the moment you turbo-jumped out of bed, of course – that’s the eternal curse of this place, you could always hear everything –, and you’d come outside the bathroom door and just stand there; you wouldn’t knock right away, that’s what drove me crazy. You just stood there. I remember everything was so quiet I could hear your robes rustling. I was sure you could even hear me hearing you. That silence was even worse than the bang on the door a moment later. 

 

Mother

anyway I don’t know why any of this matters today of all /days

 

Doloria

Yeah. You’re right. Don’t know either. 

 

Pause.

 

Doloria

It’s just weird being back here I suppose; you could always hear everything in this place. Especially the silences.

 

Silence.

 

Mother

and you still haven’t answered the question – see, I didn’t forget – the question of – don’t think you can weasel your way out with me you know – the question of how would you know that I wasn’t being nice in the hospital – I’m always nice/

 

Doloria

Because I heard the real version before, Mum! That surgery I had when I was two months old is all you ever talk about, in case you haven’t noticed! The last couple of years you’ve been so obs– telling everyone about the time you had to wait outside the operating room! I honestly don’t know what that’s about – Last time I was here, right, when was it? Last spring? Anyway, last time I was in I heard you telling it to that Deliveroo guy! 

 

Mother

well it gets so dangerous on those bikes doesn’t it – I was just trying to give him an example of how worried his mother must be about /him

 

Doloria

He doesn’t care about the operation I had when I was two months old, Mum! Nobody does! It wasn’t even life-threatening! Just a minor – just a routine procedure to treat my foot! 

 

Mother

oh really – routine p– well what about your foot – all the pain/ it left you with

 

Doloria

I told you before Mum! I don’t feel anything anymore!

 

Silence.

 

Doloria

Fine, I just – I don’t notice the pain anymore, okay Mum? 

 

Mother

that’s /better

 

Doloria

No, it’s not better – 

 

Pause.

 

 

Doloria

Fine, Mum you want to know the truth? I think about that pain all the time – but it doesn’t actually hurt me! You know what actually hurts me? Talking about it.

 

Mother

okay, fine, fine – I’m sorry – I’m sorry;

 

Pause.

 

Doloria

Why, mum? Why are you so obsessed with/ that surgery all the 

 

Mother

stop it, you make me sound like I’m some madwom – I’m not obsessed!

 

Doloria

Fine, mum. You are not obsessed. Can you answer me, though? Why do you talk about that surgery all the time?

 

Silence.

 

Mother

well it’s just that – that’s – that’s because I had to – Because that was the first time I had to say goodbye to you. those hours I had to wait outside that surgery – that was the first time I had to leave you – you were in so much pain and I had to be away from you – and it doesn’t matter how much you’ve grown, ever since that first goodbye it feels like every time I leave you you’re in pain somehow so if one day I

 

Silence.

 

Mother

anyway I don’t want – I mean I didn’t mean – I don’t want to be bringing it up all the time – we were just talking about something and it just reminded me – it reminded me of that time I had to say goodbye to you

 

Doloria

But we weren’t saying anything how can you – 

 

Mother

no no I just said something that reminded me of when the last time was that I missed you so much

 

Doloria

The last time you missed me so much.

 

Pause.

 

Doloria

Well? what was it? Do you remember?

 

Mother

not really, I mean – my memory’s not as it used to be – I can’t go around remembering every little detail now can I

 

Doloria

That’s strange, considering the excruciating level of detail with which you remember stories from thirty years /ago

 

Mother

oh yeahyeahyeah, now I remember – I remember

 

Doloria

What was it then Mum? 

 

Pause.

 

Doloria

Well? What was it?

 

Pause.

 

Doloria

What was it, Mum? What was it you said that reminded you of the first time you missed me?

 

Mother

just this – just the – welcome back – i’m so happy you’re back – my sweet child – welcome back

 

An embrace.

 

Light.

 

Darkness.